Guys, I have a confession. If you did not know this already....I am a mess. Today God broke me down. It has been brewing for weeks and I have needed a good ugly cry for a while now....and today it came. You know the kind that you cannot stop or control, the kind that shakes you to your core. Yes, that kind. It is healing. I am not in control. I cannot fix everything....no matter how hard I try. I am not strong....I cannot do this life on my own. HE is strong. HE is in control. And HE alone can get me (us) through this thing we call life.

April is hard for me. 4 years ago we said goodbye to a little life growing in me, a little girl that I cannot wait to hold again someday. I miss you baby Joy! I miss you a lot. I dream about your little face, your plump little red cheeks just like your brother. Blonde ringlets adorned with the daintiest of bows and dressed in the prettiest of dresses. I picture you dancing in heaven in fields of green grass bathed in amazing golden light and wishing I could capture your spirit with my camera....longing to hold you and kiss you.... I miss you. In April it just seems to hurt a little more.... But keeping that in does not help, talking about it does <3

Then, we have Dylan. Oh sweet Dylan. New diagnoses, more decisions to make, new medical unknowns.....and yet, HOPE, PEACE, and LOVE from our heavenly Father.

Deuteronomy 31:6 ""Be strong and courageous, do not be afraid or tremble at them, for the LORD your God is the one who goes with you. He will not fail you or forsake you."

A couple weeks ago we did a 24 hour EEG. The EEG did not show any seizures during the day, which is good, and means that his current medication is keeping those under control. Unfortunately, once Dylan goes to sleep, something happens. Seizures. Lots of them. ALL. NIGHT. LONG. It's a condition known as Electrical status epilepticus during slow-wave sleep (ESESS). So what does that mean??? Well, they really don't know for sure. But in most cases, it causes cognitive delays because the brain is never at rest. He never gets the deep sleep his body needs to process everything he has learned the day before and retain it. It means more medicine. It means more unknowns. So please pray for us as we decide what to do, and what not to do. We are looking into alternative medicines and all of the other medications that are available for these seizures. With medications comes side effects....it's a very hard balance and even harder to make a decision about.

We also had Dylan evaluated by a Neuro-Psychologist earlier in the month. His neurologist wanted to have a baseline for his cognitive development and his I.Q. We went into the testing knowing what we are up against, and the results confirmed what we already knew, but gave us a new game plan on how to help Dylan. Along with a Cognitive Disability diagnosis, Dylan is now diagnosed with Autism. In order to be diagnosed on the Autism Spectrum, patients need to score 9 points on their testing scale, and Dylan scored 18. He's an overachiever :) So what does this mean? Nothing really. It does not change who he is or how much we love him. It just gives us more services and allows us to maybe change some of the therapies we are doing to meet his needs in a better way.

CANCER SURVIVOR. GLAUCOMA. COGNITIVE DISABILITY. EPILEPSY. AUTISM.

JOYFUL. LOVED. VALUED. TREASURED. ADORED. PERFECT IN GODS EYES.

2 Timothy 1:7 "For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline.

We are embarking on a new journey with Dylan and we covet your prayers and encouragement! He is a gift from God. As we were singing Happy Birthday to him last week, I held back the tears as I was soooooooo thankful for another year with him. 9 sweet and very tough years. 9 years that I would never trade for anything. We are not guaranteed any amount of time with anyone, but Dylan likes to remind us a little more often than I would like.

Cherish LIFE friends. Don't rush through it. It's been a lesson I have been learning.....

I cannot look at these pictures without bawling. Chrissy did such an amazing job capturing us....the crazy little family that loves each other so intensely....and purposefully. I'm forever grateful for these. I'm thankful for this husband of mine who works incredibly hard to provide for us. He has grown by leaps and bounds in his role as the spiritual leader of our family and I am amazed at the kind of father he is to our boys....and he continually loves me and pursues me with all his heart, despite all of my faults. Dylan is a blast. You can't help but smile when he is around and his laugh.....well, it's the kind that speaks to your soul and causes your joy to bubble up inside of you. He is learning and growing each day (even though I tell him to stop!). He loves his family....he loves everyone....and he is an unstoppable force and constant reminder to all that God has no limits. Andrew.....oh my Andrew. He is my tough cookie, my smarty pants little boy with a sweet and kind heart. He is a mommy's boy....and I will embrace that for as long as he lets me. I know one day he won't want to kiss me and hug me five times before heading in the gate at school....so for now, I hold on to each hug and kiss! He protects and loves Dylan with a kind of love that amazes me each day. God knew that Dylan needed Andrew. God knew we all needed Andrew.

Over the past year, God has really been working on my heart and speaking to me.....telling me to SLOW down. I feel called now, more than ever, to embrace the role that God has given me and blessed me with, as mom and wife. In a world that is preaching to be busy and hustle and climb to the top of the ladder, to be the very best of the best....I am learning to slow down, to take in each moment, and be available. It's hard to know what that looks like practically each day. For now, it means cutting out some things. Some things that are not good for me and also some things that I love. But I know that God will bless these changes and these decisions. I will share more of what that looks like later, but I want to encourage you to not make the same mistakes I have been. To not be so busy that you turn around and wonder where the last 5 years went. Slow down, I promise you will not regret it :)

And now, here are some of my other faves from our session with my amazing photographer friend Chrissy Walthers! If you are headed to San Diego and want some photos, please check her out!!

Lyrics

Grander earth has quaked before
Moved by the sound of His voice
Seas that are shaken and stirred
Can be calmed and broken for my regard

And through it all, through it all
My eyes are on You
And through it all, through it all
It is well

And through it all, through it all
My eyes are on You
And it is well with me

And far be it from me to not believe
Even when my eyes can't see

And this mountain that's in front of me
Will be thrown into the midst of the sea

And through it all, through it all
My eyes are on You
And through it all, through it all
It is well

And through it all, through it all
My eyes are on You
And it is well
It is well

So let go my soul and trust in Him
The waves and wind still know His name
So let go my soul and trust in Him
The waves and wind still know His name
So let go my soul and trust in Him
The waves and wind still know His name
The waves and wind still know His name

And it is well with my soul (sing it everybody)
It is well with my soul
It is well with my soul
It is well
It is well with my soul
Oh it is well with my soul ('cause of who you are)
Oh it is well with my soul
It is well with my soul
It is well
It is well with my soul
It is well
It is well with my soul
It is well
It is well with my soul

And through it all, through it all
My eyes are on You
And through it all, through it all
It is well Lord

And through it all, through it all
My eyes are on You
And it is well with me

Songwriters: Kristene Elizabeth Dimarco